When was the last time you and someone you cared about had a conflict?
How’d it work out?
Did you interact respectfully or blow up in a full-fledged tantrum? Did you draw closer together at the end of the conversation or farther apart.
Pastor/Teacher Chip Ingram says,
“Conflict is inevitable. Every time you bring two people together, there will be conflict. The question is NOT ‘how do we have a conflict-free marriage?’ The question is “how do we deal with the conflict that WILL come?’
A recent walk through a neighborhood reminded me of the different ways people deal with conflict.
Consider the neatest pile of yard trash I’d ever seen.
The homeowner had cut every limb exactly the same length. The tops of the branches faced the street, the cut ends faced the yard. Each limb lined up a foot from the road like soldiers at attention. He’d tucked four palm fronds neatly among the other evergreens at evenly spaced intervals, adding a decorative flair to an otherwise monochromatic pile of greenery. It was picture worthy.
Farther down the street, another neighbor had also dragged yard debris to the road. His pile looked nothing like Neat Nate’s. An irregular mound of soggy leaves graced one end. A hodgepodge of carelessly flung branches, yard netting, and a Chick Fil A box completed the display.
A third neighbor added his contribution to the trash man’s collection—a black bag filled with unknown contents tied tightly and flung to the road.
The variety of trash piles reminded me of the most helpful part of Chip Ingram’s study, Experiencing God’s Dream for Your Marriage, the section on conflict resolution.
I thought about my family’s history of conflict resolution. Sometimes we’ve been like Neat Nate. We’ve organized our conflict and given it socially acceptable labels. The Silent Treatment. Adolescent exploration. Boundary Testing. Passive aggression. Micro and macro disobedience. Somehow giving it a trendy name and pigeonholing it made us feel a little more in control of our struggles.
At other times we’ve been too weary, frustrated, or hopeless to do anything other than dump our conflict on the side of the road for all to see. Our transparency was a cry for help and prayer.
Finally, there have been times when we were too ashamed, too disheartened, and too hopeless to do anything but throw a big, black bag over the top of it so no one but us would know how ugly it was.
Ingram, in the study, makes two significant points about conflict:
1. Conflict is normal.
2. Conflict is an opportunity for growth.
As Chip says, “Conflict is inevitable. Every time you bring two people together, there will be conflict. The question is NOT ‘how do we have a conflict-free marriage?’ The question is “how do we deal with the conflict that WILL come?’”
After this study, we set a few ground rules, in advance of our next conflict, to ensure we fight fairly.
Here are our ground rules for fair fighting:
1. If I’m not ready to talk about what’s bothering me, I’ll tell you. I will not give you the silent treatment and leave you wondering.
2. If we agree to delay the discussion, we will address the issue in a timely manner. No sweeping stuff under the rug until it accumulates into an ugly mess.
3. During our waiting period, we will still act in a loving manner toward each other. (No monosyllabic answers, cold shoulders, or drawing uncrossable lines down the middle of the bed.)
4. When we talk, we will use “I feel” sentences instead of “you always” or “you never.”
5. We will listen actively, repeating what the other has said if necessary.
6. We will acknowledge that while conflict can come from selfishness, as Ingram says, it can also arise from differences in belief, perspective, and style. Conflict is not always because of sinful behavior. Sometimes it’s simply the result of two very different people living in the same household.
Perhaps, like my husband and me, you’ve always thought of conflict as dangerous and harmful. In light of this different perspective, we’re encouraged by Ingram’s statement that if we deal with conflict in a healthy way, our marriage will not only survive, but THRIVE.
What have you learned about healthy conflict? Do you have a rule for fair fighting you’d like to add to my list? Why not leave a comment and share your thoughts? I’d love to hear from you.
And if you live in the Columbia, SC, area and would like to learn how to pray with power, please join me at First Baptist Church of Ridgeway on Saturday, September 30, from 9-3. We’ll laugh, learn, and worship together as we explore the sometimes mysterious, God-ordained means of talking to God. This event is free, but attendance is limited and you must register by emailing Phyllis at phan38@aol.com. Click the image below for more information.
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Lori, these tips are wise advice. Our challenge is to control emotions enough to think clearly and follow these guidelines. Thanks for sharing this inspiration.
You’re absolutely right, Barbara. Most times we react, then act, which usually means picking up the pieces, not avoiding the explosion. Thanks for reading and adding to the discussion today 🙂
Always enjoy your posts, and your transparency, Ms. Lori. I can’t say that I’ve never used those “accusatory” statements or “pushed” an issue when I should have waited a bit, but like all y’all, I’m learning over the years too. Sometimes though, I’m certain Ms. Diane wishes I would learn a bit faster. 🙂 God’s blessing Ms. Lori and Mr. David. Remember that love is worth fighting for.
It’s a lifelong process, for sure, J.D. God’s blessings on you and Mrs. Diane as you travel this life road together :0
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